Expecting the Good

Last Sunday I was asked by our musical director if I'd sing this Sunday. With a smile in my heart I said yes. As I look back upon the experience I think that it was profound for many reasons.

I had to be better at listening so that I'd hear what was being said on Thursday at practice. It turns out that I have a powerful voice. I had to learn about using the full range of my voice. And to top it off I had to learn about standing back a little from the mic. I also had to discover that my voice at the lower notes can sound lovely. It turns out that I can sing softly, and in so doing introduce a wondrous range of emotion and texture to my voice. I'd been so busy in the past, singing within the congregation, striving for that power that I'd never stopped to consider how I might sound if I put focus into the lower range of my voice. If anything I'd always strived to 'belt' out when I could because I felt that had the strongest sound (albeit with the occasional challenge to decent pitch). But in the end, this experience has taught me that there is a wonderful sound to be found when you harmonize and support. And perhaps like other aspects of my expression I'd approached singing wanting to be heard, craving others to tell me I'm good. I believe that I learned something very profound today.

Anna and Robyne (the two other singers) were very, very sweet Their compassion at my first time at singing on a stage was a wonderful thing. They did an exquisite job at giving me feedback in a wonderful way.

In turn, the 'feeling' of the experience was marvellous. I will confess that I struggled to hear if I'd manage to hit the right balance with the rest of the band. But I could hear the music around me and have to assume that I managed to be good enough.

But what an experience. The talk at centre today included a piece about how truly listening to music requires you to be present. You can't hear harmonies if you are 'futurizing'. Well, I can tell you that you cannot sing in harmony if you are futurizing either! For pretty much the entire event I was absorbed. It may be a form of spritual practice to let listening to music carry you into the moment, but being a part of creating it...well, that takes the practice up a notch. Getting energy from the audience may be why some perform. For my part, I felt so tightly knit with the moment that it was if there was no place where my fabric ended and that of the Universe took over. I was truly conscious.

What stands out for me is that I managed to 'expect the good'. I knew I'd have fun - I did. I had heard that your body does strange things when you sing publicly. Given that this was my first time on stage you can imagine the nerves. Well, those nerves likely had something to do with the uncontrollable 'warble'that I heard enter my voice at a couple of points. But right in the middle of it all a part of me realized that I only had to relax, and expect the good. In addition, I also discovered that if I bent my knees that you force a physical reaction to relax your upper body. I also discovered that if you want to preserve pitch while singing that you can lower your chin a little. More power and pitch is possible.

Where did those discoveries come from? No one had told me beforehand. Yet there was a part of me that knew. And I like to believe that the fact that 'expecting the good' had something to do with it.

I had some lovely feedback (someone even sent me an email). Some of it related that I appeared to be having fun up there. And I certainly did. Another comment was that people didn't know I was a singer. Smiling, I told them that until today I wasn't. All told, I'd like to feel that what manifested was "good enough."

"Good enough" are worlds carefully chosen here. Being good enough has been a lesson for me. I think that as well as needing to learn how to listen better before I'd be ready to perform as a singer I needed to work through some of my past beliefs of not being good enough.

At the end of it all I approached Robyne and asked her a simple question. "So, would you ask me up again some time?"

"Without hesitation," she replied. And when you think about it, that has to be a wonderful encapsulation of 'good enough'.

Blessings, joy and peace my friends!