Friends of Past and Present

I was recently offered the gift of reflection. Perhaps by starting with this reflection upon the past the present might reveal itself more intuitively?

I grew up as an only child without a permanent father figure. Given that my mother has made transition I must confess at being challenged to be harsh. Yet in spite of her efforts to provide a good home and to love me I was surrounded alcohol, drugs, violence, narcissism and quite often various forms of outright abuse. In turn, I believe I came to make friends with those in a similar state of mind to my own.

In reflecting upon events of the past a series of memories unlocked for me recently. As I scanned these memories a pattern became clear. As a child and young man I had some pretty rotten friends. But then, I believe that I was attracting people to me that were in line with where I was. Whether it was a put-down, lack of loyalty, a faltering belief, or simply an inconsistent presence I believe, upon reflection, that I came to develop a very poor appreciation for what a friend should be. And through it all, what time I could grab with my mother was generally in the pub. If you’ve spent much time with people who drink habitually you might appreciate the example I was given about friendship when it came to my mother.

I share this reflection for one purpose alone – to draw a connection to the present. I firmly believe that events happen to provide us the opportunity to evolve and unfold. Recently, a friend in our spiritual community had stopped coming to me for treatment work. The relationship had simply ceased. It was not until a friend of a friend had a conversation about this that I was prompted to enquire.

I could have focused on what this friend had done. After all, they had shown inconsistency, and this would be in line with earlier examples in my life. But whatever the case, any effort to look to another in life is a sure avenue for blame. I wanted to discover my opportunity for change and growth.

The comment that hit me was that I was ‘independent’ and showed such a demeanour of ‘togetherness’ that they felt as though the relationship was one-sided. At first I was not clear on what this meant or how I could grow from these comments. So, I simply put the knowing out into the universe that I would have what I needed to make the next step of my journey.

Following this treatment the memories I just related came to mind over a series of days.

In reviewing the memories of days past and reflecting upon this post I begin to see the connection between the past and the present. How insidious those hidden beliefs can be. I clearly had a hidden value system of independence. After all, why were friends to be trusted? They’d only say mean things, and leave you when the going got tough. If you weren’t buying the drinks, who were you anyway? And those that I should have been able to trust the most were filled with anger and expressed abuse when their own insecurities caught them.

As I look to this moment I know that I have the awareness to surround myself with the friends that support and love me. I deserve friends that nourish me. And my friends deserve, in me, someone who is open and loving in return. I find the right way to be loving, supporting, strong and open with my friends, which in turn provides them with a basis upon which to feel as though there is a relationship of give and take.