Self-Honesty

Looking at oneself is a journey that calls for self-honesty. Can we truly be honest with ourselves, and our feelings? Is our internal communication honest? I look to my own journey and realize that I've opted for dishonesty with myself from time to time, sometimes consciously, and often unconsciously.

I recall that around 8 years of age I was caught up in the loneliness of the violence and lack that surrounded me. I suspect I strove to gain attention and escape by doing things I knew I shouldn't. I started to explore the idea of stealing things like candy bars from shops.

Was I moved by a desire to get attention or to create a situation that would see me removed from the environment I lived in? I can only speculate at my motivations at the time. The important element is that I am enquiring at all, rather than perfection in enquiry.

I do recall pausing, as I contemplated stealing, and I suspect that I was unconsciously struggling with the lack of truth in the situation. Without being able to articulate why the 8 year old knew it was wrong. Not long into my shop-lifting career I remember being caught while trying to steal a mars bar. Obviously the 8 year old in me was not very good at stealing. The person who caught me let me go, after warning me to not do it again. The gift of that moment included the guidance of someone explaining right from wrong without the extreme consequences. The universe responded in a way that didn’t include more than verbal tongue-lashing. Apparently I was salvageable and didn’t need the lesson of a sterner punishment.

To my mind comes the thought that the obstacles we encounter are actually within ourselves. As I recall that event I recognize that my internal struggle caused me to pause. The child standing in front of the candy shelf for a few minutes was the giveaway. How often does someone else spot our struggle and help us? As an 8 year old I was less adept at obfuscating the internal conversation. Perhaps as adults we've become too good at masking what's going on within? Perhaps we’ve practiced self-dishonesty so much that we’re really, really good at it, to the point of not even thinking about it most of the time?

The good news is that when events, and our evolution, cause us to get in touch with our feelings we will find it easier to get in touch with ourselves. Was a fear of lack the key driving force that day? Or was it something more? Has it taken 30 years to for me to enquire about this event and begin a process of self-honesty? How well am I getting in touch with the feelings and emotions of that time? And most importantly, what am I doing about these realizations and exploration right now?

There is more good news though - what we've repressed deep down is usually trying to make its way back to the surface. This means that we will have plenty of opportunities to become honest with ourselves, regardless of our proficiency in the art of self-dishonesty. Even 30 years later I'm living this particular opportunity to consider such events and understand what was going on for me. I'm taking the time to write about it and allow strangers to see within me. I’m seeking to balance the learning from benefit of sharing openly whilst not becoming lost to my inner perceptions around such stories.

If there will always be opportunities for self-honesty then I would suggest that we should make a practice of it. Journaling is one vehicle for exploring what's going on within. Whether coherent or not we can benefit from exploring our experiences, feelings and emotions in writing. We need never share these contemplations (as I do in a public blog) but the internal dialog will do wonders for us. In turn practice develops awareness. Awareness supports our looking more carefully at the choices and decisions behind our actions. And as we become more aware of who we are, in communicating with ourselves honestly about how we feel, we will find it easier to communicate with others. A virtuous circle will then grow that encourages us to take risks to further discover who we are in the face of our unknown.

I find it interesting that after a blog (or journal) entry last week about lack and fear of abundance that I should now be exploring self-honesty. In turn it’s interesting that I’m drawn to the moments of stealing I had earlier in my life. In some ways it is mind boggling to consider the fear of lack that I must have been exposed to as a child, and how that influenced me through my younger years to act on this fear of lack by taking that which was not mine. And yet without my practice of honestly journeying through my thoughts and feelings through journaling I may never have made this connection. I can now know love and financial freedom and serenity for the young man that I was, and hold the same knowing for me in this moment here and now.

Perhaps what I am trying to say is that self-honesty is a course of certainty to that destination known as, Know Thyself. Knowing yourself may well be one of the most beautiful gifts you will ever receive.

Self-Honesty

The mystery of all,
we may never come to see.
No one else with your qualities,
or gifts will ever be.

If you choose to withhold,
gifts of who you are,
I will be deprived of sharing,
you will forever be far.

Yet for all that we hear,
touch, taste, and see,
a part of self-awareness,
is to consciously be.

We will organize perceptions,
into mental ideas.
We should better perceive,
such formulated fears.

From perception results emotion,
thought leading the heart.
Symptomatic feelings;
where do perceptions start?

Is all for a reason,
motives hidden beyond?
Can we find beyond such reason,
essential tone of our song?

Do we fathom our journey,
from sense to decision?
Are we influenced by programs,
or experienced division?

Yet beyond all is choice,
inner decisions in action.
Am I honestly seeking,
or in illusionary contraction?

Copyright (c) 2009, Carmien Owen