Back in January I posted about a situation in my life where an equity deal around my business fell through. When I got the news I posted this reply and in turn received an email back from him.
At the time I could not have known about the why of this situation. In spite of the adversity I managed to surrender. Over a period of 2-3 months I settled down into a time of deep spiritual work. It was as if I was healing in my own way. On one hand, I had consciously let the situation go. On the other hand, I withdrew from my business. I still had some contract work. However, as I reflect it is clear that much of the fire behind the vision for my business had gone out. I was not pushing my creative focus in this direction. And upon further reflection I believe that consciously I had surrendered; there was a hidden part of me that was wondering if the event had been a sign to redirect myself in more spiritual pursuits.
As I look back I see much good from this and it is clear to me that the process of creation is an interesting one. Last week I had occasion to fully re-engage in my business by going to a summit on the technology I'm deeply involved with. On the first day I noticed that one of the speakers was someone I'd worked with in the past (they'd been a field engineer with the vendor and I was in effect a business analysis with the client). We'd gotten on very well and I'd been impressed with his work.
I approached him before his session and introduced myself. He remembered me and after the session we got to talking. It turned out he'd left the vendor about 6 months ago and was now based in Calgary. I mentioned an idea of mine I had and before we knew it it turned out that we had a very compatible vision. We continued to connect and before long agreed to explore a partnership.
This past Tuesday we met for 4 hours and came to an agreement in principle on a partnership. It turns out that we are the ideal business match. He's the technology brains and I'm the business brains. Together we're a bit of a dream team in some ways. And we're in the process of incorporating a partnership that will create some exciting new products.
Last night I stumbled over the reply I sent to my friend in the previous blogs and sent an update to him. For you see I was clear on one thing. One door had closed, but another one has been blown open. I can now see much more of the why, and yet I wouldn't change a single thing. Learning how to surrender is a continuing journey and this series of event were a powerful step along my path to surrender.
Know the Flow as you go.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Forgiveness
Over the past few days I've been reflecting upon the idea of forgiveness. A dear friend of mine and I were recently talking about a challenge they are facing in their life. After some discussion on this life lesson, and an effort to seek the cause beliefs, I asked them if they could forgive the person in question.
They reflected on what I had posed to them and then truthfully admitted that they did not believe that they had a clear image of what forgiveness is (a testament to their honesty and our friendship). I thought about this and realized that such ideas are so personal, so subjective, and so abstract in some ways that it is easy to assume that people have a comparible understanding.
And so I felt inspired to try and see if I could capture a more accessible description of forgiveness. For you see forgiveness is as important to this experience as dying is; in some ways forgiveness can be likened to the letting go that is required of us when our time has come to make transition. I have penned a poem, quite a bit longer than my typical verse, that is likely a sketchy effort to capture what forgiveness is coming to mean to me. And as for whether it helps my friend or not remains to be seen. But little harm can come of this effort regardless.
Know the Flow as you go
Forgiveness
When they hurt us they weren't at their best.
We could offer the gift in our mind.
They're greater than sum of their errors.
They themselves also wounded in time.
Perhaps frailer than the wind that blows,
across oceans and shores that now dance.
Humanity in mistakes will show.
But the strongest forgive and entrance.
Forgiveness happens inside of us.
Much like pain in feet as we hike.
We don't have to forgive behaviour,
only the person, regardless of like.
Like the beauty of countryside seen,
What is behaviour without to me?
An eye for an eye, insanity.
Fleeting revenge will never set free
Lowering ourselves like falling fruit,
feeling guilty for what we thought wrong.
Lashing out to shout of this hurt,
As if such mode were graceful bird song.
Were I to cry for fruit so fallen,
for but a moment of need within,
Nothing wrong would there be in this sharing,
Any longer is living in sin.
It can be hard to forgive, sometimes
easier to let be and ignore.
Passive stream of trickled misery,
Realized of challenge now set in yore.
Like the path not once have I trodden,
forgiveness can feel so unknown.
Easier in blame and projection,
than to consider the seeds that I've sewn.
Ironically selfish in action,
forgiving matters more to those,
who've been wounded than done the wounding,
Letting go is the truth that knows.
Would you squeeze amidst the thorns,
of the wounds and upsets of the rose?
Would you become a servant of self,
be slave to the scent in your nose?
Take back your power to live, now
flourish beyond offending descent.
Empower yourself in transcendence,
Cast aside victim's cloth and repent.
We are here in this life to make,
mistakes unrelated to aim,
to get lost in the vagaries of moments,
but not losing ourselves in blame.
Human is to do what we do,
make mistakes and forgive and be kind,
even in the face of the terrible,
letting go lest we live as the blind.
Forgiveness is more than a season,
or path of beginning and end.
It is maintenance of spiritual Truth,
Less the falling of leaf, more a trend.
They reflected on what I had posed to them and then truthfully admitted that they did not believe that they had a clear image of what forgiveness is (a testament to their honesty and our friendship). I thought about this and realized that such ideas are so personal, so subjective, and so abstract in some ways that it is easy to assume that people have a comparible understanding.
And so I felt inspired to try and see if I could capture a more accessible description of forgiveness. For you see forgiveness is as important to this experience as dying is; in some ways forgiveness can be likened to the letting go that is required of us when our time has come to make transition. I have penned a poem, quite a bit longer than my typical verse, that is likely a sketchy effort to capture what forgiveness is coming to mean to me. And as for whether it helps my friend or not remains to be seen. But little harm can come of this effort regardless.
Know the Flow as you go
Forgiveness
When they hurt us they weren't at their best.
We could offer the gift in our mind.
They're greater than sum of their errors.
They themselves also wounded in time.
Perhaps frailer than the wind that blows,
across oceans and shores that now dance.
Humanity in mistakes will show.
But the strongest forgive and entrance.
Forgiveness happens inside of us.
Much like pain in feet as we hike.
We don't have to forgive behaviour,
only the person, regardless of like.
Like the beauty of countryside seen,
What is behaviour without to me?
An eye for an eye, insanity.
Fleeting revenge will never set free
Lowering ourselves like falling fruit,
feeling guilty for what we thought wrong.
Lashing out to shout of this hurt,
As if such mode were graceful bird song.
Were I to cry for fruit so fallen,
for but a moment of need within,
Nothing wrong would there be in this sharing,
Any longer is living in sin.
It can be hard to forgive, sometimes
easier to let be and ignore.
Passive stream of trickled misery,
Realized of challenge now set in yore.
Like the path not once have I trodden,
forgiveness can feel so unknown.
Easier in blame and projection,
than to consider the seeds that I've sewn.
Ironically selfish in action,
forgiving matters more to those,
who've been wounded than done the wounding,
Letting go is the truth that knows.
Would you squeeze amidst the thorns,
of the wounds and upsets of the rose?
Would you become a servant of self,
be slave to the scent in your nose?
Take back your power to live, now
flourish beyond offending descent.
Empower yourself in transcendence,
Cast aside victim's cloth and repent.
We are here in this life to make,
mistakes unrelated to aim,
to get lost in the vagaries of moments,
but not losing ourselves in blame.
Human is to do what we do,
make mistakes and forgive and be kind,
even in the face of the terrible,
letting go lest we live as the blind.
Forgiveness is more than a season,
or path of beginning and end.
It is maintenance of spiritual Truth,
Less the falling of leaf, more a trend.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Untreated Fear and Anger
Untreated fear turns to anger.
This insight struck me the other day. For many years I was a very angry person. I would be subject to seriously intense verbal outbursts of anger. For many, many years I'd feel like a boiling pot, bubbling over. During my darkest moments I'd dive deep into this anger, until I was spent, exhausted, and ashamed. For you see a part of me would recognize value in release, but another part of me would be aghast at having thrown myself so deeply into anger.
And then one day it was pointed out to me that perhaps I was losing my temper when I felt helpless. This insight was powerful. It allowed me to begin to understand the trigger. And in the months that followed this realization (it must be a couple of years old by now) my anger shifted, and over time I have come to look at anger in a different way. I rarely, if ever, feel helpless these days and my anger when it does surface has a markedly different expression and feel.
But then I consider the insight above. What if anger is unresolved fear? How much fear have I had and been exposed to in my life, and to what extent has that influenced how I experience anger? What if the cause beneath the cause of helplessness and fear that had been pent up over years? What if the fear about me in the environment I grew up in was contributing, nay even fuelling this fear?
The insight above really does make sense to me. Anger for me in the past couple of years has subsided for many reasons. I am not talking about stifling the natural defences of knowing one is being hurt or needs to be expressed for safety. But I am talking about the anger that was caused by so much fear learned over so many years.
I wouldn't give this experience up though. Having come through the lesson of anger as I have has given me a chance to see fear from a certain vantage point, and it is a powerful one. As I look around me and within me I now see anger, like any other emotion, as a signpost. If I am angry I now know to begin asking myself, what fear or fears have I not resolved, treated, or surfaced? What is there for me to face and to more deeply understand?
I am here to heal and move through feelings. Anger is a feeling that passes, not an emotion that rules my life as it did. I am stronger for understanding fear in relation to anger and I hope that if, like me, you are learning through the lesson of anger that you discover your own insights.
Know the Flow as you go
This insight struck me the other day. For many years I was a very angry person. I would be subject to seriously intense verbal outbursts of anger. For many, many years I'd feel like a boiling pot, bubbling over. During my darkest moments I'd dive deep into this anger, until I was spent, exhausted, and ashamed. For you see a part of me would recognize value in release, but another part of me would be aghast at having thrown myself so deeply into anger.
And then one day it was pointed out to me that perhaps I was losing my temper when I felt helpless. This insight was powerful. It allowed me to begin to understand the trigger. And in the months that followed this realization (it must be a couple of years old by now) my anger shifted, and over time I have come to look at anger in a different way. I rarely, if ever, feel helpless these days and my anger when it does surface has a markedly different expression and feel.
But then I consider the insight above. What if anger is unresolved fear? How much fear have I had and been exposed to in my life, and to what extent has that influenced how I experience anger? What if the cause beneath the cause of helplessness and fear that had been pent up over years? What if the fear about me in the environment I grew up in was contributing, nay even fuelling this fear?
The insight above really does make sense to me. Anger for me in the past couple of years has subsided for many reasons. I am not talking about stifling the natural defences of knowing one is being hurt or needs to be expressed for safety. But I am talking about the anger that was caused by so much fear learned over so many years.
I wouldn't give this experience up though. Having come through the lesson of anger as I have has given me a chance to see fear from a certain vantage point, and it is a powerful one. As I look around me and within me I now see anger, like any other emotion, as a signpost. If I am angry I now know to begin asking myself, what fear or fears have I not resolved, treated, or surfaced? What is there for me to face and to more deeply understand?
I am here to heal and move through feelings. Anger is a feeling that passes, not an emotion that rules my life as it did. I am stronger for understanding fear in relation to anger and I hope that if, like me, you are learning through the lesson of anger that you discover your own insights.
Know the Flow as you go
Thursday, April 8, 2010
My Eulogy
As a part of the Practitioner Intern curriculum I was asked to prepare my own eulogy. This is where during our training we confront the idea of death and dying. This makes much sense: If we are to be spiritual coaches as Professional Practitioners, then we had better have come to terms with death and dying before we attempt to support others in their process of grieving. There is no opportunity lost like a Practitioner struggling to be conscious because a client is sharing something that triggers our buttons. The Universe has a habit of bringing into our experience opportunities to discover and learn through our lessons. A Practitioner is as prone to the Law of Evolution as any other.
When I first read this assignment my reaction was; I don't need a eulogy. One of my classmates then informed me that the eulogy was about those we leave behind. That got me to thinking. At the time I couldn't articulate a response but a part of me also could not accept it as a statement that resolved that sensation or feeling I had within. Over the past couple of weeks I've been reflecting upon this and I think it comes down to some core beliefs I have.
I believe that this "Earth Suit" we're borrowing really is just borrowed. I believe that every 'thing' that we have in this world is destined to be lost, just as sure as it was destined to be lent to us. Our body is as changeable as the experience of money. The cars we come to own, the jobs we have, the youth we knew, the friends we shared time with, and those we love, are experiences designed ultimately to help us discover ourselves.
What ultimately matters can never be lost. I've lived my life, from a childhood of physical, emotional and sexual abuse through to an awareness of Oneness. As a child to an alcoholic mother that picked abusive father figures, to years of living with shocking self-esteem, I've had exactly the tragedies I needed to bring me where I am today. The memory of walking in on my birth father shooting heroin at the age of 4 was merely the first of many experiences that I can recall (and numerous others blocked until I had the strength to deal with them). From the moment I left the perfect world of my mother's womb I was destined to undergo a series of perfect experiences (some that we would mistakenly call tragedies) that would enable and empower me to become who I was at the time I made transition.
All of those changeable intangibles, those things that I called hopes, aspirations, ambition, dreams, and desires, ultimately faded and then ended. For anything that is attached to this world is attached to something that in of itself is changeable. Every temporary thing is simply here to teach me that any effort to 'keep' any 'thing' is doomed to failure. Plato's genius in writing about the Cave, and Plotinus' connection of this allegory to the One, are perhaps the most striking stories I came to discover in this lifetime. For between them they wrote of an idea that came down to this: The One contemplates Spirit, which reflects this contemplation into Soul, that in turn projects onto matter. Any form, or thing, that we experience here is only a projected-reflection of the One. Things will never satisfy; they are merely here to fool us into remembering what the true source of the essence within them is.
At the age of 39 and writing this eulogy for myself, and with no sign of death in my conscious awareness, I count myself blessed to have come to understand the following:
• that my hair might have started to go grey but, that which is in my mind and heart is far more important than what is on the outside
• that whilst I never had the income I dreamed of as a child growing up in poverty I came to know a freedom sweeter than any amount of money could buy
• that in all the possessions I lost I came to learn that this was only a perfect opportunity to celebrate travelling a little more lightly in the world
• that in the closing of relationships and the reactions I experienced I came to ask of myself, what could I learn from these events
• that with every skill, ability and thing that I lost I only came to appreciate what I did have all the more
I was the guy who came to cry at every scene in a movie or book that spoke of death. After some serious contemplation I came to realize that these tears were not of heartache or pain, but of joy. It was like each moment I spent with death was a moment where I became clearer on what death actually was. In such moments I can see the truth of life and how it continues. I have begun to see that in the death of the physical is the real beginning; that every ending is actually a beginning. And just because my tears may blind me to the ever-starting cycle of life does not invalidate the Truth, just as the clouds do not invalidate the sun.
Beginnings and endings will forever mark a physical reality of changeable illusion, for that is the nature of form and body. Space and time are constructs of this reality, not of the Eternal Truth. And so, should these words come be read after this body of mine has made transition know that I was a man who cried tears of joy because his heart was cracked open by the idea of Returning to the One. Celebrate that I realized before I died what it takes many coming to death's door to learn; that for all the times I forgot Oneness (and I called those struggles) that I came to a time where I lived my very best in all moments.
I am not seeking to rub salt in any moment where your heart may feel broken. I know that if you are mourning my death that at some point you will through this experience come to realize that my transition in no way reflected the loss of who I really am, just what my physical body was. I may live on in your heart and your memories. But if I truly love you, I would be only dishonouring you by accepting any belief that did not resonate with my own. It is not my place to convince you of my beliefs, but it is also not my place to accept a belief that so clearly stands in contrast to what I now share with you. Do not miss me. Know that I have Returned to the One, my lessons of this lifetime are done, and that I will be returning to help others as I did in this lifetime. And that as your heart and your memories consider the person I was, know that the Truth is that we are One, you and I.
I could request the playing of a slideshow of stirring pictures on the wall.
I could ask someone to relate the accomplishments of the experience that was called my life.
I could ask for my coffin to be buried or my ashes cast to the winds.
Instead, I shall ask, that if you feel drawn to celebrate my life that you spend a moment in meditation and commune with me. For as sure as the Divine is in, as, and through all, I am in, as, and through you now, eternally.
When I first read this assignment my reaction was; I don't need a eulogy. One of my classmates then informed me that the eulogy was about those we leave behind. That got me to thinking. At the time I couldn't articulate a response but a part of me also could not accept it as a statement that resolved that sensation or feeling I had within. Over the past couple of weeks I've been reflecting upon this and I think it comes down to some core beliefs I have.
I believe that this "Earth Suit" we're borrowing really is just borrowed. I believe that every 'thing' that we have in this world is destined to be lost, just as sure as it was destined to be lent to us. Our body is as changeable as the experience of money. The cars we come to own, the jobs we have, the youth we knew, the friends we shared time with, and those we love, are experiences designed ultimately to help us discover ourselves.
What ultimately matters can never be lost. I've lived my life, from a childhood of physical, emotional and sexual abuse through to an awareness of Oneness. As a child to an alcoholic mother that picked abusive father figures, to years of living with shocking self-esteem, I've had exactly the tragedies I needed to bring me where I am today. The memory of walking in on my birth father shooting heroin at the age of 4 was merely the first of many experiences that I can recall (and numerous others blocked until I had the strength to deal with them). From the moment I left the perfect world of my mother's womb I was destined to undergo a series of perfect experiences (some that we would mistakenly call tragedies) that would enable and empower me to become who I was at the time I made transition.
All of those changeable intangibles, those things that I called hopes, aspirations, ambition, dreams, and desires, ultimately faded and then ended. For anything that is attached to this world is attached to something that in of itself is changeable. Every temporary thing is simply here to teach me that any effort to 'keep' any 'thing' is doomed to failure. Plato's genius in writing about the Cave, and Plotinus' connection of this allegory to the One, are perhaps the most striking stories I came to discover in this lifetime. For between them they wrote of an idea that came down to this: The One contemplates Spirit, which reflects this contemplation into Soul, that in turn projects onto matter. Any form, or thing, that we experience here is only a projected-reflection of the One. Things will never satisfy; they are merely here to fool us into remembering what the true source of the essence within them is.
At the age of 39 and writing this eulogy for myself, and with no sign of death in my conscious awareness, I count myself blessed to have come to understand the following:
• that my hair might have started to go grey but, that which is in my mind and heart is far more important than what is on the outside
• that whilst I never had the income I dreamed of as a child growing up in poverty I came to know a freedom sweeter than any amount of money could buy
• that in all the possessions I lost I came to learn that this was only a perfect opportunity to celebrate travelling a little more lightly in the world
• that in the closing of relationships and the reactions I experienced I came to ask of myself, what could I learn from these events
• that with every skill, ability and thing that I lost I only came to appreciate what I did have all the more
I was the guy who came to cry at every scene in a movie or book that spoke of death. After some serious contemplation I came to realize that these tears were not of heartache or pain, but of joy. It was like each moment I spent with death was a moment where I became clearer on what death actually was. In such moments I can see the truth of life and how it continues. I have begun to see that in the death of the physical is the real beginning; that every ending is actually a beginning. And just because my tears may blind me to the ever-starting cycle of life does not invalidate the Truth, just as the clouds do not invalidate the sun.
Beginnings and endings will forever mark a physical reality of changeable illusion, for that is the nature of form and body. Space and time are constructs of this reality, not of the Eternal Truth. And so, should these words come be read after this body of mine has made transition know that I was a man who cried tears of joy because his heart was cracked open by the idea of Returning to the One. Celebrate that I realized before I died what it takes many coming to death's door to learn; that for all the times I forgot Oneness (and I called those struggles) that I came to a time where I lived my very best in all moments.
I am not seeking to rub salt in any moment where your heart may feel broken. I know that if you are mourning my death that at some point you will through this experience come to realize that my transition in no way reflected the loss of who I really am, just what my physical body was. I may live on in your heart and your memories. But if I truly love you, I would be only dishonouring you by accepting any belief that did not resonate with my own. It is not my place to convince you of my beliefs, but it is also not my place to accept a belief that so clearly stands in contrast to what I now share with you. Do not miss me. Know that I have Returned to the One, my lessons of this lifetime are done, and that I will be returning to help others as I did in this lifetime. And that as your heart and your memories consider the person I was, know that the Truth is that we are One, you and I.
I could request the playing of a slideshow of stirring pictures on the wall.
I could ask someone to relate the accomplishments of the experience that was called my life.
I could ask for my coffin to be buried or my ashes cast to the winds.
Instead, I shall ask, that if you feel drawn to celebrate my life that you spend a moment in meditation and commune with me. For as sure as the Divine is in, as, and through all, I am in, as, and through you now, eternally.
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Why of a Lie
I was thinking about the search for truth earlier. This search has been going on for a while. However, as I got to thinking about truth I also found myself thinking about lying as well. If I needed to tell a lie to protect someone would that be acceptable? Is my young daughter ready to hear all truth?
It then occurred to me that telling the truth without compassion could actually be brutality. And from there a poem was inspired. It's been a while since I wrote a poem. I'm suspecting that I'm getting more picky about what is worth publishing on my blog.
Know the Flow as you go.
The Why of a Lie
The callous would use truth as a weapon,
Something to break faith and trust.
Yet truth without any compassion,
is only brutality thrust.
Yet I would wander through wilderness,
and let trickster come to me.
Disrupting my old preconceptions,
disguising what I need to see.
Strolling with them for a little while,
I might behold natural lie.
Seeing the fire within their style,
hidden what, within their why.
I consider their words as we tread,
and look to bloom of nature.
I can hear their truth and give a nod,
considering past and future.
In the past I've heard politicians,
and leaders pitch point of view.
Such chambers echoing factual, but
lost higher spirit of truth.
Can we keep knowledge from poisoning
when we can't handle the truth?
The why of a lie is essential,
knowing that there's much to lose.
It then occurred to me that telling the truth without compassion could actually be brutality. And from there a poem was inspired. It's been a while since I wrote a poem. I'm suspecting that I'm getting more picky about what is worth publishing on my blog.
Know the Flow as you go.
The Why of a Lie
The callous would use truth as a weapon,
Something to break faith and trust.
Yet truth without any compassion,
is only brutality thrust.
Yet I would wander through wilderness,
and let trickster come to me.
Disrupting my old preconceptions,
disguising what I need to see.
Strolling with them for a little while,
I might behold natural lie.
Seeing the fire within their style,
hidden what, within their why.
I consider their words as we tread,
and look to bloom of nature.
I can hear their truth and give a nod,
considering past and future.
In the past I've heard politicians,
and leaders pitch point of view.
Such chambers echoing factual, but
lost higher spirit of truth.
Can we keep knowledge from poisoning
when we can't handle the truth?
The why of a lie is essential,
knowing that there's much to lose.
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