My Eulogy

As a part of the Practitioner Intern curriculum I was asked to prepare my own eulogy.  This is where during our training we confront the idea of death and dying.  This makes much sense: If we are to be spiritual coaches as Professional Practitioners, then we had better have come to terms with death and dying before we attempt to support others in their process of grieving.  There is no opportunity lost like a Practitioner struggling to be conscious because a client is sharing something that triggers our buttons.  The Universe has a habit of bringing into our experience opportunities to discover and learn through our lessons.  A Practitioner is as prone to the Law of Evolution as any other.

When I first read this assignment my reaction was; I don't need a eulogy. One of my classmates then informed me that the eulogy was about those we leave behind. That got me to thinking. At the time I couldn't articulate a response but a part of me also could not accept it as a statement that resolved that sensation or feeling I had within. Over the past couple of weeks I've been reflecting upon this and I think it comes down to some core beliefs I have.

I believe that this "Earth Suit" we're borrowing really is just borrowed. I believe that every 'thing' that we have in this world is destined to be lost, just as sure as it was destined to be lent to us. Our body is as changeable as the experience of money. The cars we come to own, the jobs we have, the youth we knew, the friends we shared time with, and those we love, are experiences designed ultimately to help us discover ourselves.

What ultimately matters can never be lost. I've lived my life, from a childhood of physical, emotional and sexual abuse through to an awareness of Oneness. As a child to an alcoholic mother that picked abusive father figures, to years of living with shocking self-esteem, I've had exactly the tragedies I needed to bring me where I am today. The memory of walking in on my birth father shooting heroin at the age of 4 was merely the first of many experiences that I can recall (and numerous others blocked until I had the strength to deal with them). From the moment I left the perfect world of my mother's womb I was destined to undergo a series of perfect experiences (some that we would mistakenly call tragedies) that would enable and empower me to become who I was at the time I made transition.

All of those changeable intangibles, those things that I called hopes, aspirations, ambition, dreams, and desires, ultimately faded and then ended. For anything that is attached to this world is attached to something that in of itself is changeable. Every temporary thing is simply here to teach me that any effort to 'keep' any 'thing' is doomed to failure. Plato's genius in writing about the Cave, and Plotinus' connection of this allegory to the One, are perhaps the most striking stories I came to discover in this lifetime. For between them they wrote of an idea that came down to this: The One contemplates Spirit, which reflects this contemplation into Soul, that in turn projects onto matter. Any form, or thing, that we experience here is only a projected-reflection of the One. Things will never satisfy; they are merely here to fool us into remembering what the true source of the essence within them is.

At the age of 39 and writing this eulogy for myself, and with no sign of death in my conscious awareness, I count myself blessed to have come to understand the following:

• that my hair might have started to go grey but, that which is in my mind and heart is far more important than what is on the outside

• that whilst I never had the income I dreamed of as a child growing up in poverty I came to know a freedom sweeter than any amount of money could buy

• that in all the possessions I lost I came to learn that this was only a perfect opportunity to celebrate travelling a little more lightly in the world

• that in the closing of relationships and the reactions I experienced I came to ask of myself, what could I learn from these events

• that with every skill, ability and thing that I lost I only came to appreciate what I did have all the more

I was the guy who came to cry at every scene in a movie or book that spoke of death. After some serious contemplation I came to realize that these tears were not of heartache or pain, but of joy. It was like each moment I spent with death was a moment where I became clearer on what death actually was. In such moments I can see the truth of life and how it continues. I have begun to see that in the death of the physical is the real beginning; that every ending is actually a beginning. And just because my tears may blind me to the ever-starting cycle of life does not invalidate the Truth, just as the clouds do not invalidate the sun.

Beginnings and endings will forever mark a physical reality of changeable illusion, for that is the nature of form and body. Space and time are constructs of this reality, not of the Eternal Truth. And so, should these words come be read after this body of mine has made transition know that I was a man who cried tears of joy because his heart was cracked open by the idea of Returning to the One. Celebrate that I realized before I died what it takes many coming to death's door to learn; that for all the times I forgot Oneness (and I called those struggles) that I came to a time where I lived my very best in all moments. 

I am not seeking to rub salt in any moment where your heart may feel broken. I know that if you are mourning my death that at some point you will through this experience come to realize that my transition in no way reflected the loss of who I really am, just what my physical body was. I may live on in your heart and your memories. But if I truly love you, I would be only dishonouring you by accepting any belief that did not resonate with my own. It is not my place to convince you of my beliefs, but it is also not my place to accept a belief that so clearly stands in contrast to what I now share with you. Do not miss me. Know that I have Returned to the One, my lessons of this lifetime are done, and that I will be returning to help others as I did in this lifetime. And that as your heart and your memories consider the person I was, know that the Truth is that we are One, you and I.

I could request the playing of a slideshow of stirring pictures on the wall.
I could ask someone to relate the accomplishments of the experience that was called my life.
I could ask for my coffin to be buried or my ashes cast to the winds.
Instead, I shall ask, that if you feel drawn to celebrate my life that you spend a moment in meditation and commune with me. For as sure as the Divine is in, as, and through all, I am in, as, and through you now, eternally.