Lessons of Relationship

Ram Dass once said that if you think you are enlightened you should spend a week with your family.  I smile every time I think of this.  For my experience with family has been like a tale of two cities.  The first city was with my mother.  By the age of 21 I had left England to follow love and adventure.  However, whilst I never really returned it took until my mother's transition for me to fully embrace the life I was meant to live.  Interestingly, I didn't discover the Centre for Spiritual Living, Edmonton, until the Sunday after I had buried my mother.

The tale of my mother will wait for another time, but the tale of the second city is with my wife and daughter.  I also get to witness and experience the dynamics of extended family.  For you see I was a single child to a single mother.  I had a sister by birth but due to a choice on my mother's part Chloe was given up for adoption.  I was the child who my mother kept.  I have had to learn a whole host of definitions of what family is.  And yet at this point in my life I am becoming clearer that those closest relationships I have are here to provide me with opportunities for awareness, to stretch me to fulfillment, and to honour a process of healing.

I had the honour to be asked by a friend to visit her in hospital today.  As I heard her story I realized that in her own way she was moving through lessons of awareness with her family.  And yet as we finished our time together I was inspired to tell her that when she was able to approach her family with acceptance and unconditional love then the lesson would be fully fulfilled.  I am not quite certain why I said what I said, but I am reminded that the lessons of relationship are often the most vibrant springboards for growth of awareness that I know. 

There is no such thing as an accidental relationship.  God is in every event, and every relationship is a series of events that has meaning for us.  Even a brief exchange with a stranger on the other end of a telephone conversation is an interaction with the potential for meaning.  Yet the first and most profound dangers of relationships is when we come to them expecting others in the exchange to fix us, or to think as we do.   Some (or many) of us believe that finding that 'someone special' will improve all aspects of our lives and bring us incredible joy.

I have a theory that when we greet others in relationships that there is a sacred exchange occurring.  The God in us greets the God in the other person.  Subconsciously we are integrated at the most profound level.  But when our own awareness is clouded by so much distraction and emphasis on illusion we find it harder to grasp the Truth.  The clouds take on more emphasis and before we know it the rain is calling the tunes.  The person we are when we began the relationship is the essence of what we will attract.  We tend to attract exactly those that we need to help us realize fulfillment, awareness and healing.  This may be obvious, but I believe that for the most part the sacred exchange that is occurring is much more subtle.  It can take great insight to work out why a relationship exists, and what those involved have agreed to on a Divine level.  However, a conscious awareness of the purpose is not the point.  The opportunity to transform and raise our awareness is.

Relationships can be the mirror that reflect what we need to complete ourselves, and most often in ways that alone we could not accomplish.  We are always moving toward healing those parts of us that are wounded.  Sometimes the road is rocky, and the pain that our relationships surface can be soul-wrenching.  When this occurs with a life partner a great deal of trust and depth is often required for the relationship to survive through to its natural conclusion (as opposed to leaving it before we should, if at all).  God will provide us with everything we need for our healing.  If we have attracted someone who pushes our buttons, then this 'wrong' person will likely be our greatest teacher.  And when it comes to family, those we did not consciously choose in this lifetime, we may find ourselves with parents, siblings, and extended family who can upset us in ways that no one else can.  Family adds an additional dimension in that it is generally harder to disconnect with such people and relationships.  In this fact alone family becomes a special teacher.

Relationships will bring us the deepest lessons that we need to learn, those that we could not learn alone.  And yet as is the case with another person we meet, we are not supposed to change others.  Our opinions on those we are in relationships with serve only as a distraction.  What if they are not supposed to change?  And if we could change them, would we not be dishonouring their journey, their quest for enlightment and growth?  Or to put it more simply, if we would not want our family to dictate who we must be, should we try to dictate to them how they must be in order to fit into our sense of what is right in the world?

The wonderful news is that if you find your buttons being pushed, that means there is a belief influencing that feeling and emotion you are now experiencing.  Belief is a product of experience and can be changed.  And when we gain the insight (either as presented to us by others we are in relationship with or our own) then we can often look to others in relationship to support us.  I cannot count the times my life partner has both called me out on an issue and then been there 110% supporting me.  She knows I love her, and she loves me; our natural condition, our inner desire, is to support and help the other with everything we have. 

Growth is never accomplished by telling another what they must do and how they must change, or making them better.  It is always about you.  And those you are in relationship are always reflecting what you need to see.  And yet all too often we can rid ourselves of the relationship before we have rid ourselves of the problem and the underlying cause within. 

The use of questions can be profound when understanding relationships and our role in them:

• Is how I give and receive love reminiscent of how love was modelled for me as a child?  Is punishment and reward the manner in which I show and accept love?
• If abuse exists in my relationships did I experience abuse as a child?  Have I work left to do on my inner child and the unhealed pain that remains?
• Did we witness our parents caring for each other joyfully and lovingly? 

Whether we are staying in a relationship out of hope for it changing, or because we believe it will work out on its own, we will eventually have to come to a realization; if the relationships you are experiencing are not in alignment with your vision for love and your worth then it is time to change them.  We must also let go of the specific expectations of what the future will look like, how our partner or family will be, and what they will do to change.  A dear friend of mind recently told me that they had realized that their definition of being "in love" was about complete dependance on the other.  Even our expectations of love itself can hold us back from the growth, healing and awareness that we need.

Relationships unfold exactly as they are meant to.  The more we can remember this and place our expectations of others in the relationship aside the more fulfilling our relationships will become.