Helplessness and Anger

An interesting event happened after I got home from class last night. I was on my computer and following a 10 minute stretch of feeling completely helpless I lost my temper.

I am not talking about a brief vent here. I am talking about 5 minutes of venting and cursing. This is the kind of temper tantrum that I felt I had moved through in the past and no longer included in my life. Apparently, I was wrong and there was still work to do. What's clear is that it's as easy to regress when you live a spiritual lifestyle as it is when you don't. I managed to regress. I was so frustrated that to my shame my wife had to phone downstairs to tell me to stop what I was doing.

The difference between then and now though is my response. Certainly, during the moment of helplessness and frustration I reacted with anger. But once I was done I was able to set the story aside and ask myself what had just happened, and why had I chosen to act in this way?

Almost immediately I came to a realization. The whole event was while I was playing a computer game. I had just spent 10 minutes trying to avoid losing the event and was seeking to avoid the consequences within the game. In order to avoid the death of my character I then spent another few minutes running frantically away (think Monty Python's 'Brave Sir Robin' and you'll likely have a good image to work with). But in spite of all that effort the character died. I had just gone through 5 minutes of pure-helplessness. And no matter what I did it wasn't enough.

At that point I fell asleep. Today I am able to look my wife in the eye and feel proud of my response. Yes, I lost my temper. But more importantly, I know why. And in knowing that cause I am wiser. The next time I encounter such a situation I fully expect to have a better reaction. And I get to add 'helplessness' to my previous list of reasons for my anger - the little child in my past must have felt so very helpless by the painful choices being made for him. I hug little-Carmien, remind him that he is completely empowered, and point to myself to show him the man he will become.

If you are experiencing repeated situations, reactions or events, I would suggest you consider asking 'why'. Make the investment to uncover what's beneath and keep working on it.