Why Is This Happening For Me?

I cannot recall being this ill for a very long time. There was a point when I was shivering so much and so hard that the bed was shaking. As I look back I am inspired by the fact that even during the fevered chaos I was in at the time I still had the insight that perhaps the shivering was metaphorical for the anger I had felt and repressed?

And why wouldn’t this make sense? As I look back I think that much of my anger came from two sources:

• A very, very poor set of examples around impulse control
• No place or person to turn to for trust and love

Why wouldn’t I be angry about this? Not only did those that should fail to take the time to set the example of how to exercise impulse control, but that the very people I was supposed to be able to trust as a child let me down.

Is there any value in regretting all this? Absolutely not! This is truly a gift. I do not say this with a Pollyanna-like smile of denial. Quite to the contrary – as a result of carrying anger for so many years it was liberating to lie there shivering like a jack-hammer realizing that for the first time in my life I could truly see what had happened. For the first time it was a joy to remind myself that I am loved, and that I am enough.

As I look forward, I feel a sense of peace. My wife told me the next morning that I looked different. She explained that I looked more like a child. I am not surprised. On one hand some of my work included looking back and imagining the child that was me. I spent time with the child that was me and simply offered little-Carmien love. I recalled various events where I was exposed to violence, abuse and pain, and simply hugged him. I hugged the four year old witnessing drugs and told him that he is loved. I hugged the seven year old as he stood in the phone box calling the police at 2 am in the morning and told him that everything was good. I spent time looking into the eyes and heart of the 14 year old and reminded him of the man he would become.

I feel a sense of peace because I truly believe I have gone deep. I have faced hidden beliefs and pains within and am stronger as a result. I can say that being as physically ill as I was, was truly a gift. Not because of all the snot, sweat and searing pain, but because of the inner peace that I now feel. After all, the physical is but a fraction of what is happening.

The next time you are physically ill I would humbly suggest you try to take some time to ask yourself, ‘why is this happening for me?’ Perhaps you might find peace in the answer.

Blessings, joy & peace my friends!