Being and Repression

I was speaking with a friend yesterday over tea and he mentioned an observation he had had during a retreat he had been on.  He spoke about the idea of repression, and that he believed that in many cases those walking the spiritual path had listened to the guru or the teacher, who had said 'do not be angry or sad' and had decided to repress this.  In time, this might lead to depression or some form of imbalance.

As I contemplate this I think that the guru's words are right but the manner in which the words have been interpreted is off.  At least, this contemplation is a work in progress and what I understand in this moment.  It occurs to me that "do not be angry" must be examined.  If your spiritual teacher said that to you what would you do?

Perhaps you might hear it and figure, I must not be angry.  You might respond by thinking that you should never get angry, that you should not lose your temper.  This might sound like a good idea.  But it is not liberating.  As the Buddha advised we must neither cling nor deny.  We must take the middle path.  Extending this idea to this topic that would mean that setting an intent to never get angry is a denial.  You would in effect be pushing anger away.

And this would apply to fear.  This would apply to a physical reaction where the body reacts by producing adrenelin.  This in turn might cause physical shaking.  Would it be of value to berate yourself for feeling fear or anger, or for the fact that your body produced chemicals to heighten your awareness? 

I think what the key word is BE.  Do not BE angry.  Do you not lose yourself to it.  Observe the anger.  Say, 'oh look at that, I am angry.'  Ideally you would be an obsever of the and sit with the emotion until it had left of its own accord.  You would observe the body, its reactions, sensations, as well as your emotions, feelings, and other responses in your mind.  As a wise man once said, it is well to acknowledge the anger and to not collapse into it. 

Being on the spiritual journey is key.  Repression is a lost opportunity to observe.  Practicing being with your emotional reactions and feelings is an opportunity to come to know yourself better.  I shall share a final story.  Tonight I was stopped by the police whilst driving.  The reason, when I turned at a turning light I shifted into the right lane instead of the left most lane.  He didn't give me a ticket, but merely said that everyone does it and they want to educate people.  As I contemplate this event a few things occur.  For one thing I remember a while before turning on another turn during an orange turning light.  I think they spotted me then and wanted to pull me over.  I think that he was looking for a reason and all he had was that flimsy excuse.  I recall feeling adrenalin and my hands shaking as I pulled my license out.  I was less aware in that moment.  As I look back a part of me knows that I am still barely a beginner on this journey.  I am working on waking up.  But one thing is for sure, if I was posting about disappointed I am in myself and that I should focus on not having shaking hands in the future, or experiencing adrenelin working through my system I would be missing something.  I might miss that at some level this experience was God in action.  The insight of the orange light tells me that had I slowed down the cop would not have noticed me and then followed me for 10 minutes until he found his flimsy excuse.  As I look back I knew he was going to pull me over and was waiting.  I even chose the gas station to pull over at to offer him the option to continue on.  But in that turn I broke a rule and he had what he needed.

And do you notice the irony?  In subtle and small ways I was asleep.  I was focused on him, not clearing my mind.  I was focused on what he would do, how I should drive.  When stopped, I was focused on my shaking hands.  I didn't have fear, but as I look back I know I am only just beginning the process of waking up.  I celebrate this experience.  And as I contemplated this later I was inspired by thoughts that led to this blog.  But thankfully, at no point have I denied what I should be, or doing.  I recognize that I simply need to be the observer.  Repression is not being.