May I

I got to thinking about the work that I've done in the part, about the death and the rebirth, about the suffering I've had.  All of this has been to bring me here and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Yet much of this conversation has been at an intellectual level.  My earliest memory of walking in on my father shooting heroin was covered in a fog.  Yet as I truly process this, on the emotional level of my heart, I begin to sense that he was descending into his underworld.  I've come to understand the choices he made were a reflection of my mothers.  He opted to let her leave with me because her mothering instinct was more powerful than staying with him and his heroin addiction.  But she was far from done with her descent.  I think that in many ways she was lost until her final days.

I got to thinking today about the abuse of my childhood, of how her being lost in the depths and darkness of her life, led to an environment of anger, fights and lovelessness.  I also realized that I saw her the summer before she passed away.  I realized she always wanted me to make the choices she was never able to.  She wanted me to be good, to serve, to love and be loved.  She wanted the best for me, partly as my mother, but also because a part of her wanted to live her good through me.  In that final visit, with my wife, I think she finally saw that I had come through my own death (another story) and could be done.  Perhaps that's why after many years of telling me she was dying to bring me back to England that she finally chose to spend 3 months actually dying in the hospital without telling me.  She was finally able to rest and tend to her own healing.  The Being in me loves her for that.  The self in me sheds tears.

May I


It’s not that I’ll never suffer,
but may I see sacred as I do.
It’s not that I’ll never be shouted at,
but may I be centred in Truth.

I’m certain that I’ll be criticized,
that many will disagree.
Pleasing others must be pointless.
May I be blessed and humbly me.

It’s possible I may be abused,
that life may hit me hard.
That somewhere beneath this surface,
this life may tear me apart.

My heart may be shattered and broken,
through loss, change and pain.
May the movement of God change everything.
May I never look outside to blame.

May I always see the world,
all people, events and loss,
as choices reflected through Source,
only here is there truly a cost.

May my ego break open to soul.
May my Truth mingle with yours.
May I shift to soul’s point of view.
May I know my true self in my thoughts.

Copyright (c) 2009, Carmien Owen